Another Big Ugly Cookie Question

His teacher handed Billy Joe his arithmetic test. He knew he did not do great on it, but he did not expect the big red F on the paper either. In his 4 years of school, he had never gotten an F.  There was the occasional D, but that F was a new feeling. And he didn't like it. Neither would his mom!

 

At first, he thought he might just lose the paper on the way home, but he knew his mom was smarter than that. She would read it on his face as soon as she saw him. So, he buried it deep in his notebook and tried not to think about it for the rest of the day. That didn't work either.

 

After the final bell rang, Billy Joe began his long "perp walk" to his mom's car. He tried to smile but did not feel "smiley." 

As soon as he opened the car door, he blurted out uncontrollably, "I feel stupid. Everybody else passed!"

 

His mom said, "I guess I don't need to ask you how your day went."

 

Billy Joe replied, "It was horrible. I don't know what happened. I got an F on my arithmetic test, an F!  I knew I did not do well, but an F….  Am I stupid?"

 

Mom could see how upset he was and said, "This sounds like a good cookie question!" Billy Joe was not sure he wanted to talk about it, but he knew his mom would not let this go. Besides, a cookie, or two, sounded pretty good.

 

When they got home, Mom sat a couple of cookies on the kitchen table along with a glass of milk. They sat down, and Mom asked, "What was the test on? "Billy Joe replied, "Fractions." Mom continued, "Those are hard, especially at first! I had trouble with them too when I was your age."

 

Billy Joe looked at his mom, wondering whether to believe her.

 

Mom said, "But now you know you don't understand fractions and can focus on learning about them."

 

Billy Joe protested, "No, I'll never get them. It's too hard. And I don't understand them." 

 

Mom thought for a moment and then started a story. Billy Joe nibbled on the cookie and focused as best he could on what his mom was saying. But that “failure feeling” made it hard to listen. At least until she started talking about the annual field day at her school.

 

Mom said, "I was the fastest runner in my 4th-grade class. Well, I was until Sophia moved to town. We got to be good friends during the year, but Sophia lined up next to me in the 50-yard dash on Field Day. I was no longer the fastest runner in my class when that race was over. 

Sophia finished five steps ahead of me. I couldn't believe it. I tried my best, but she beat me. Sophia could see how upset I was when I tried to avoid her after the race.   I didn't know she could run like lightning! I could never keep up with her. But Sophia was my friend, and she came over and hugged me, saying, 'That was a good race! I really had to run harder than I ever have before.' This made me feel a little better. Then, I thought of something. Even if Sophia got to the finish line before I did, I could count on her being there when I caught up with her. I just had to keep trying and be patient with myself and Sophia."

 

Billy Joe looked at his mom and said, "I liked that story, but I am talking about arithmetic, not a footrace!"

 

Mom replied I thought you were talking about not getting what you wanted and feeling like giving up!"

 

Billy Joe replied, "Yea, that too!"

 

Mom said, "Sophia helped me to know that if I fell short, I didn't need to quit. Instead, I needed to be patient with myself. She would not run off and leave me. She would wait until I caught up."

 

Mom then scooted closer, handed me another cookie, and said, "You made an F on your test. You learned that you need to work on your fractions. There is no need to panic or give up. You will pass the test by working a bit harder on fractions next time. By the way, this works on many things besides arithmetic tests."

 

Billy Joe asked, "What do you mean?"

 

Mom replied, "Well, just because you do not understand something does not mean you are stupid. Some things just won't make sense. You will bump into things you don't understand from time to time. When that happens, look at what you don't know and try to sort it out by asking questions, reading, or spending time listening to others who know more about it. But even then, you may not find the answers. Sometimes we must be patient with our own and others' lack of understanding of the mysteries around us. When that happens, tell yourself that you don't need to give up. The answers will wait for you to catch up. We are all still learning and growing and figuring things out."

 

Billy Joe was quiet for a few minutes and then looked his mom in the face, "Does that mean you have things you don't understand?"

 

She answered, "Absolutely, but I have many people around me to help me figure things out. And even when old Sophia beats me to the finish line, I still have cookies waiting for me. Cookies will help me to have hope that someday I might catch up and find the answers I want."  

 

"Wow," Billy Joe replied, "I didn't know cookies could do that! Does this mean I need cookies whenever I don't understand something?"

 

Mom smiled and answered, "Let's save the cookies for the big, ugly questions."

 

"Okaaay, Mom. If you say so.”

The Respectful Kingdom

 Fred was excited to be part of this new development team.   The project was a new way to clean plastic from the waterways and was going to include a multi-disciplinary group of scientists and engineers. He knew a few of the other members personally and many others by reputation. They were a creative and diverse group doing something that could significantly impact the planet's health and well-being. Project Aqua Fresca was the project that could make our break his career and make a difference in the lives of future generations. He couldn't wait until the first meeting. 

Fred hurried through his hotel breakfast, gathered up his laptop, and headed to the conference room. He knew he was 20 minutes early but couldn't wait to see and meet the team. But, as Fred stepped off the elevator, his anticipation began to evaporate. He heard an all-too-familiar voice and then saw the speaker in the crowd at the conference room door. It was Mr. David Allen. (Fred preferred the more appropriate DA since it was more in tune with his experiences with him in the past.)

 

DA had been the supervisor of the first project team after the State Engineering Board had licensed Fred. He was excited to be part of it. But, as soon as he met DA, he felt that this would not go well.  

 

DA did not respect any of the team members. He made all the final decisions, no matter how small. He refused the advice of team members. Most of the qualified team members had left, and those remaining were either too inexperienced to know better or had no other choice because of their low status in the company. It became a team of losers made even weaker by a supervisor who could not lead. When the group failed, DA managed to shift all the blame on his team, especially the younger ones like Fred. DA got a promotion when the project closed, and the rest were fired, including Fred.  

 

As he stood by the elevator, Fred could feel those old feelings bubble up from his remembering. Old wounds began to ooze, and he felt the bile rising in his throat. He would not put himself in that spot again. His excitement and anticipation had hardened into a paralyzing fear, encased in deep disappointment.

 

But a miracle happened as soon as he had calmed the urge to flee back into the elevator. DA turned and waved goodbye and walked away toward the parking garage. Fred heaved a sigh of relief as he stepped into the small crowd still lingering at the door.  

 

He heard one man say, "Boy, I was afraid "Mr. Allen was coming to this meeting." Another responded, "I knew that guy several years ago, and I am relieved that he is now in sales. He couldn't engineer himself out of a paper bag." The rest nodded in agreement as they turned to one another and started looking ahead to the adventure awaited them.

 

Over the next year, this team discovered that having excellent skills and diverse talents were important, but more was needed. In working together, they found that individual genius and insights may be helpful at times, but there was a far more critical component necessary for them to succeed. The joy of feeling that the team had done well was much more dependent upon each member's respect for the other. Respect opened the process to the individual genius and insights of each member and multiplied the group's creativity. More importantly, respect allowed the team to find joy in working together through the setbacks and successes for the team. By unlocking the team's potential, respect created the energy needed to withstand and ultimately triumph in their task.  

 

That moment at the elevator was the most important of the entire year. When DA moved on, Fred thought, "This is going to be a great year!" And the next twelve months proved him correct.

Fishing with Grandpa

Bobby was so excited that he had trouble sleeping. His Grandpa would pick him up early so they could head to the mountains and spend the day fishing. When the alarm clock finally went off, Bobby jumped out of bed and dressed as fast as he could. He wolfed down his cereal and juice before camping out at the front window and waiting for his Grandpa’s truck to appear in the driveway.

 

After an eternity of waiting, Grandpa arrived. He gave his mom a perfunctory hug and was in the truck before Grandpa told his mom goodbye. Finally, time slowed as they made their way to Grandpa's favorite spot on Sandy Creek. They swapped stories and shared rememberings. Listening to stories and talking about the important stuff. This was what being with Grandpa was all about. The time flew by.

 

After arriving at the trailhead, Bobby and his Grandpa loaded up their fishing stuff and set off for the spot. The conversation was a lot quieter now as they approached the creek. But just before they got to the creek bank, Bobby spotted something in the grass by the trail. It was a dead Raccoon.

 

“Hey, Grandpa, is that a raccoon?”

 

"Yep, appears to be. Looks like an old one. He must have died of old age.” replied Grandpa.

 

Bobby suddenly got very quiet as they walked on past.  

 

When they reached the river, Grandpa got their rods and reels out and started setting up their rigs. Bobby was still very quiet and would glance back at the raccoon from time to time and then look back at his Grandpa. The wheels were churning, but he did not say a thing.

 

When Grandpa turned to hand Bobby his rig, he noticed that Bobby’s eyes were on that old raccoon, and he understood the silence. "You okay, Boy?" asked Grandpa. Bobby turned and looked at Grandpa with eyes that held a good measure of worry. "I was just thinking. Everything dies when they get old, right Grandpa?"  Bobby asked.

 

Grandpa replied, "I suppose. It is part of living, just like that old raccoon. He probably had a good life for a raccoon. But his old body just sort of ran out of gas.”

 

Bobby thought about that for a minute and then asked, “But you got plenty of gas, right Grandpa?”

 

Grandpa chuckled quietly to himself and then sat down on the creek bank. Bobby sat down next to him.  

 

“I suppose I got better’n a half tank left, and it ought to hold me for a long while. But, you know, sooner or later, it will run dry."

 

Bobby pulled back a bit, but Grandpa put his arm around him and continued, "All dying means is I won't ever get sick or hurt again. It means I won't be tired, sad, or lonely either. I will be beyond all the bad stuff and live on as long as you and your Mom and Dad remember me and the good times we’ve had.”

 

Bobby interrupted, “But Grandpa, you will die! Doesn’t that scare you?”

 

“Yea, it does, a little. I think about you sitting by a creek and remembering some of the things we discussed. But then I think about how you will grow up remembering the good times. And, then I am not so much scared as I am grateful for you and the days like this.”

 

“But Grandpa, you won’t be there with me!”

 

Grandpa stopped, hugged Bobby, and said, "We are not like that raccoon. We know we are gonna die one day. And that lets us enjoy every single day until it happens. When it does, it will be all over for me, sort of… But you must remember that I will always be just a memory away. And when I am remembered by you and everyone else, I will still be around and maybe still doing you and other folks some good.”

 

Grandpa continued, "Come on, let's stop all this talking and start making some memories. Besides, I don't want hot dogs for supper, I want fresh fish, and they are not gonna jump out of the creek for us."

 

Bobby stood up and grabbed his rod and reel, but he knew he had some thinking to do on all this. He was just happy that he had his Grandpa with him right now. And that was enough, for now. He didn't give that Old Raccoon another thought. He was ready to catch some fish with his Grandpa.

Jerry Learns Love the Hard Way

Jerry and JoAnn had been married for 5 years. It was a second marriage for both, and they had not hit a serious pothole until this week. 

But Jerry felt like the wheels were about to come off his marriage and life.

 

The problem grew out of a promise Jerry made while they were dating. JoAnn loved her hometown. She had grown up there, and almost all her friends still lived there. She was deeply rooted in those people and places. 

Jerry married her, knowing that they would spend the rest of their lives right where they were. It was all part of the deal, and he loved her beyond measure. 

This made the conversation he had this morning with his Boss even more painful.

 

The Boss began with, "Jerry, thanks for stopping by. I have a great opportunity for you!" Jerry knew his Boss well enough to know that this was more than an opportunity. 

 

"Jerry, you have become an important part of the company. You have made a big difference here, and it has not gone unnoticed upstairs." 

Jerry's suspicions began to bubble when the Boss started the next bit of his "opportunity."  "As valuable as you are, they know that you would be perfect for a new position in Cincinnati."

 

Jerry felt the floor ripple as the soul quake began to rumble.

 

The Boss continued, "They need your skills to get that office moving forward, just like you did with our shipping crew. It will mean a big raise, and they will cover all your moving costs. Boy, I wish they had done that for me when I came here. I hate to lose you, but they are firm on this. 

They need you to start there next month!"

 

The floor broke wide open, and he felt himself falling into the abyss. He could see JoAnn's face as he told her they were moving, or he was unemployed.  

 

Jerry asked, "Is this an opportunity or an expectation?" The Boss looked at Jerry with the pained look of someone who had to speak a painful truth. "It is not really a choice! They want you in Cincinnati. Period!"

 

Jerry went into an emotional free fall. Too many feelings burst through, and he was overwhelmed.

 

The Boss, seeing the vacant cast in Jerry's eyes, said, "Jerry, I know you need to talk to JoAnn and tell her the good news. Why don't you take the day off so you can break it to her?" That was the last thing he wanted to "break" to her. He did not believe that she would ever leave this place, and he would not leave her behind. For once, Jerry wished that this small town had traffic jams. He was not in any hurry to get home, but it was smooth driving all the way.

 

After pulling into the driveway, he noticed that JoAnn's car was gone. She must be out running errands. Fate had given him a brief reprieve. He sat down in his easy chair while rehearsing his lines for her.

 

He heard her car pull into the driveway, and the floor started to ripple again. When she walked in the door, she said, "Jerry, this is a surprise! 

You're early! What's up?" Jerry mumbled something incoherent. She replied, "I must be losing my hearing. What did you say?" Jerry knew it was time to talk.

 

Jerry said, "We need to talk. The Boss called me in today, and I have some news."  

 

JoAnn also felt a gentle ripple to the floor and asked, "He didn't let you go, did he?"

 

Jerry replied, "No. In fact, he wants to give me a promotion and a raise." Jerry saw JoAnn's face begin to move from worry to joy. Jerry knew he needed to speak quickly. "Unfortunately, the promotion and raise are in Cincinnati."

 

JoAnn's joy collapsed as she felt the floor open. "Cincinnati? Cincinnati? CINCINNATI!!!" And then, as her brain began to process all this, she spoke a terrible truth. "But we would have to move."

 

Her world was falling into that chasm, and Jerry was falling in with her. He could not disappoint her. Despite his promise, it was not really a choice. It was either Cincinnati or no job.

 

JoAnn did her best to listen, but all she could think of was all that she would leave behind.  

 

Jerry imagined the next words out of her mouth, "Well, I guess it is unemployment, then!" He could not have imagined what happened next.

 

JoAnn looked at Jerry and saw his pain. She understood that Jerry did not want to break his promise to her, but she did not want him to give up all he had worked for in the company. She did not want to leave the only place she had ever known, but she could not let go of her husband. She was torn between her wants, just like Jerry!

 

"Jerry, you must feel terrible. But this is not a "no-win" situation. I love you!!! That is the most important thing for me. If I must choose between you and this town, no discussion is needed. I chose you five years ago, and I will keep doing so every day. I love YOU!"

 

Jerry was speechless. It never occurred to him that he was more important to her than her hometown. Jerry spent so much time thinking about his promise he never stepped back and thought about how JoAnn might have changed in the last 5 years. He looked into JoAnn's tear-filled eyes through his own tears and said absolutely nothing. Words were totally unnecessary as they reached out and held on to each other for an eternity.

 

They were still holding on to one another six months later, in Cincinnati! Jerry had learned that the hard choice had not opened a deep chasm. It was only a pothole! There were a few bumps along the way as Jerry grieved the loss of friends and JoAnn grieved the loss of her hometown. But they both began to adjust to their new normal and had found new lives for themselves.

 

Jerry had to learn about real love the hard way, from JoAnn's very real love for him. They discovered that love lives in the mystery of the unknown. It is like walking across a black trampoline in the dark. We are all gonna stumble, so we gotta learn to bounce. It turned out that JoAnn knew how to bounce and had taught Jerry a few of her tricks. Jerry learned that a lasting love fears neither the mystery nor the occasional stumble in the darkness. If we can learn to bounce, love has a light of its own that helps us through that darkness. He learned that together they could bounce through the potholes.

The Elephant's Be-Hind

With Spence’s arrival, the Supreme Council of Old Farts was now in session.  Charlie, Old Simon, Spence, Dave, and I had our steaming cups of coffee and the pastry of our choice. The morning’s running jokes had been shared.  And then came that awkward silence as the elephant in the room began to circle the table.  His name was Cancer, and he was the uninvited guest of our friend, Spence.

Dave had been keeping us up on Spence’s rounds of chemo and endless tests as his doctors tried to get ahead of the cancer.  But the optimism of the first couple of months was now threadbare.  The signs were not good.  Spence’s fight was becoming more desperate.  They had stopped his chemo a few days ago to reevaluate his situation.  While the respite from treatment had allowed Spence to feel well enough to get out a bit, he was not any better.  Dave picked him up today so that he could join us for the first time in many months.  And it was great to see him, but… he brought that damned elephant with him, and no one knew how to talk about it.

 

Old Simon found the right words.  Old Simon was a survivor.  As the oldest member, he had survived cancer and many other life battles.  “Dave has told us that they are giving you some time before they start the next round.”

 

Dave replied, “That’s the generous version.  Actually, they are stepping back to see if there is anything else they can do.  They are starting to look at some experimental treatments because all the standard ones have not slowed the B@#&*%$d down!”

 

Old Simon shook his head and said, “That sucks!”  All of us shook our heads, acknowledging the weight of that horrible moment.

 

Spence spoke up, “Yea, it does!  You know, I was hopeful at first.  Most folks who get cancer come through it and have a few more years to enjoy.  But it has been four months and my cancer has not even slowed down.  They told me yesterday that it has started to spread.”

 

The elephant plopped his fat butt down on the table and it shook all of us, body, mind, and soul.  Those terrible words echoed in our ears. “…it has started to spread.”

 

Dave, the eternal optimist, replied, “This is just a setback.   They will find something.”  That empty hope hung down in the middle of the table and we all grabbed for its lifeline.  All but Spence, that is.

 

Spence took a bite of his Apple Fritter and said, “I think it is time for me to face up to the fact that I may not win this one.”

 

Our first reaction was loud and angry.  Dave responded, “Don’t say that Spence.  It has only been four months.”  I added, “Yea, it’s too early to give up.  You still got a lot of fight in you.”  Charlie chimed in, “Hell, Spence, you can’t give up now.  You don’t know what those docs can do.  They have all kinds of tricks up their sleeve.” Spence sat silent.  He realized that his friends could not bear the awful news any better than he could. 

 

Old Simon spoke up, “Yep.  Being a fool about your cancer could cost you a whole lot more than your life.  It could cost you being able to live your life in the next few months.  It could take away those precious moments with your family and friends.  It could steal the joy of each sunset.”  He paused, scanned each of our faces, and then looked right at Spence and said, “We are here to make sure that whatever you decide, we will be with you to help you enjoy whatever time you have, be it years or months.  Only you can make the call about when it is time to give up the fight.”

 

Spence was humbled by his friend’s hope.  They were right, he didn’t know more than his Docs.  And they were not going to tolerate him giving up while there was still a fighting chance.  But Spence came to realize that when the fight was over, they would still be right there with him.  They would not tolerate him giving up on the rest of them.  They were part of his living hope.  And he was not about to let go of them.  Nor would he give up on the rest of his life until the doctors told him that he could not win.

 

“You guys are the best,” Spence replied.  “Y’all are not going to give up on me.  And I am not going to give up on my Docs, my family, or you. We’ll fight this until the Docs tell us it is time to stop.”  He stopped, lost in a new insight, and then said, “You know, I can say that because no matter what the next few months bring, you guys will still be here backing me up all the way.”

 

There was a huge sigh of relief as the elephant lifted his be-hind from the table and walked out the door.  The Supreme Council of Old Farts then moved on to solving the world’s problems, one pastry at a time. But Spence, Old Simon, Dave, Charlie, and I understood a bit more about just how important these weekly confabs were. They reminded us that hope grew out of leaning on others, and that was the only comfort any of us ever really needed.