It's Complicated

Like most of us, Dan was a complicated guy. He was never quite what you would expect. We were coworkers, but we could never build much of a friendship. As I said, he was a complicated guy, and as we talked, I learned that his (and my own) complexities were mainly due to life in our unique village of family, friends, and others. 

Dan enjoyed being with people, but he would retreat behind a wall of silence and inner turmoil without warning. He was very creative but needed routine and order to stay focused. Dan could sit for hours as he contemplated the universe and then not sit still for days. He was a fascinating mixture of opposites wrapped up in the façade of a loyal coworker. There were several different versions of Dan. Like the rest of us, he is, in fact, a whole community of folks in one body-mind-soul. And this multi-faceted personality is the result of our village.

 

From his boss, Dan saw himself as a competent, loyal worker who loved his job and enjoyed a reasonable amount of success. He also saw himself as flawed and not always deserving of praise and promotions.

 

His golf buddies were the whetstones in his life. He saw himself as better than some and not as good as others. In the words of the old TV show, he learned the “thrill of victory” and the “agony of defeat.”   He saw his capacity for ill-founded pride and a need for humility on the golf course. He learned a way to improve even when he did not act on them.

 

His neighbor, the “Evil One,” helped Dan see his anger and shame, sense of superiority, and victimization! His neighbor’s eyes made his flaws visible to everyone. He was capable of unreasoned pettiness and incredible generosity when it suited his purposes.

 

Then there was his loving wife in whom he saw himself just as he was. He was worth the trouble of being loved and was pretty good at sharing it. He was as realistic about himself as she was about him. It was n0t always comfortable, but it was bearable because he knew she loved him and had his best interest at heart. At the end of the day, when all these other people had been bubbling up, he could go home and find himself. Occasionally, one of these other people would pop up at home, and he would hear about it from his wife. But then, he could see himself in her eyes and discover the power of forgiveness and new life.

 

When we live in a village of people both beyond and within ourselves, our life comes aknockin’. All we can do is open the door to your beloved and get to know the person you see in their eyes. Focus on seeing ourselves in our beloved’s eyes (people we genuinely believe have our best interest at heart), and we will come to know, accept, and appreciate ourselves.